My cousin didn’t tell me he’s moved house 5 years ago so I’ve been sending birthday cards to a stranger. I’m usually useless at sending cards but I try and keep in contact with a few relatives. Well so I thought.
He threw half a brick at my head once because my ball rolled towards him. I don’t think he intended it to hit me but it did. I staggered off dizzy. Camped out by the railway tracks. You know as a kid ‘I’m never going home boo-hoo’ I lasted about 8 hours. Expected to find them worried at home. No nothing ‘oh I thought you were out playing’. No I was living life as a hobo and sad. Ffs what’s the point? I sort of went into my own world, making things in my bedroom and playing records. Almost never interacting with my family. It was great.
I wish my dad had got me involved in more things. Like if he was fixing a car I’d ask to help as a kid and get a response of ‘no, you’ll break it keep away’ or when rewiring electrics in a house ‘don’t let him near it, he’ll mess it up’. How are you supposed to learn anything if you are always told you are useless? I don’t think bad of it. I’m sure he didn’t realise what he was doing to my lack of self esteem. But even as I kid I thought that’s no way to talk to somebody. I was always jealous of other people’s parents.
My sister drives me crazy. She offered me a car I didn’t know I wanted. So I said ok, that’d be cool, but you’ll get it back when you pass your test. So I started planning some road trips, then she said ‘oh I gave the car to a friend instead’. Like I didn’t want the car to begin with but you then made me think I was getting it. And the other day she asked if I’d take her on a hike/ walk. ‘Yeah sure. ‘ so I planned a route and sat waiting. Eventually called her. Her reply ‘oh I forgot, no I’m not in the mood’. I didn’t even want to go walking with you but you made me plan it. No it fine. Have a nice day. Silently seething.
You don’t get over losing parents or friends. You just find a place to package it away in a safe place in your mind so it doesn’t surface all the time. But you are changed. That suffocating sinking horror is always being kept at bay.
I didn’t get on. I don’t think he realised the concept of having a kid. He was engrossed in being the kid of his parents that were the centre of his world. So I sort of got ignored. But just at that point when being an adult at university and somewhat growing up relationships change. I would have woken him up, taken him on walks, bonded over mutual interests... but he was taken from me before I could do that. And I’m mightily pissed off about that. Because I know we would be friends. Only that I was the one who had to grow up first. My mum sometimes acts ‘freaked out’ like from mundane stuff. Like I’ll just be putting something in the boot of the car and for a split second she thinks I’m my dad in the mirror and acts weird.